Mourning Missed Opportunities
Okay… Blame this on this gloomy day. Blame it on the pandemic. Or, call it what it is and blame it on my own foolish belief that things would last forever and people would always be there when I need them.
Today, I am feeling more "down in the dumps" than is normal for me. I don’t usually let things bother me this much. I take things in stride. I look for good things in bad situations. You know… things like when Daddy died. I mourned like anyone would. But, at the same time, I saw some good. 1) Daddy was now with Mom again. 2) He wasn’t all alone sitting in the dark at his house. 3) He wasn’t suffering from his cancer or his heart condition. 4) I no longer had to worry about him 24/7. See? There is always something good no matter how bad things seem.
Your house burned down? Now, you can rebuild it like you always wanted it to be. Your puppy ate your couch (sorry Stacey), Now, you can get a new one that you like even more. I could sit here and do this all day long. But, damn it, I don’t want to. Not today. Today, I am just feeling too let down by all the cancelled things in my life.
Because of the pandemic, I have seen many of the things I looked forward to disappear from my life. Here’s a list:
-a beach getaway with Rachel at Mustang Island SP
-the 3rd annual birding festival at South Llano River SP
-four other camping trips at various Texas state parks
-the rest of the AAMN training: classes and field trips
-going to church at church
-eating bourbon bacon pizza at Halftime
-drinking flights of beers at Mad Pecker
-participating in the Golden Cheeked Warbler survey
-volunteering at Headwaters at Incarnate Word
-volunteering at Government Canyon SNA
-the Gerland family reunion here in San Antonio
-my trip to Kansas and Iowa to visit Jim and Mike
Let me stress one thing: I am aware that others are missing out on much more important things. I fully acknowledge that others are being impacted financially, losing their jobs, having to homeschool their kids, cancel "once in a lifetime" level vacations, cancel weddings, missing their loved ones in nursing homes, mourning the death of loved ones, and so many other horrible things. I am totally aware that my family has not had to deal with too many hardships, with the exception of not being able to see Josh and Cat when we want to.
None of those ramblings up there have anything to do with the pity party I am dwelling in today. As I said when I started, I am feeling remorse for the way I casually went through life expecting things to always be the same.
I’ll start with my buddy, Mike. He and I have known each other since our Edgewood ISD days. We both moved to Northside and worked as CITs for eighteen years. We hung out with the same group of friends. We went on camping trips. We met for beer at our favorite places. We helped each other get through things. I helped him pack and move his stuff to a storage building when he was selling his house. He accompanied me to the funeral home to pick up my mother’s ashes, something I could not face doing alone. I thought we would be hanging out and drinking beer together forever. But, when he retired, he moved back to Iowa to be closer to his family. Now, he is out of reach, except for short visits he makes to Texas, or I will make to Iowa. I regret that we didn’t go for a beer a whole lot more times than we did. Those times were pretty rare during the last few years he was here. I didn’t see the end coming and take advantage of being with him while he was here. Regrets.
Jim is up next. He is the closest thing I ever had to a brother. We were total strangers when we met at SWTSU. We roomed together in Harris Hall for both our freshman and sophomore years. We didn’t always get along. Sometimes we fought like enemies, but most of the time we were best buddies. He came home with me on weekends. My parents loved him. He is the reason I ended up in Waelder. I had helped him move furniture out of an aunt’s house there. I also spent time with his parents, although not as much, since we didn’t go to Houston a lot.
After college, Jim got a job working for NASA. We still got together a few times a year. Once, he flew into Austin and I took him to Marble falls for a week with my parents in a trailer on the lake. Once, I picked him up in Houston, and we drove in my little Honda to see my sister in Virginia and my other family in New Jersey. Jim was the best man at my wedding. I was the best man at his.
Then kids, work, and married life got in our way. I only saw Jim rarely. The boys and I visited him on a mini vacation to the Houston area. Jim and Mary surprised me for my birthday once. He and his whole family took refuge at my house when one of the hurricane’s hit.
I always thought there would be more time to see Jim in the future. Then, he retired and moved to Kansas. I have only seen him once since then. We had a great time. But, I know that our times together will be limited by a greater distance than San Antonio to Houston. I should have made that trip a bunch more times.
Now, Mom. I thought she would live into her 90’s. Daddy was the one with a three-year expiration date due to cancer and a bad heart valve. I always thought Mom would be moving in with Rachel and me to live out her senior years. None of us expected my mother to pass away in her chair after serving him dinner that night. Ever since, I have wished I had called her more. I wish I had seen her more than every Sunday. I wish I had gone on that 12- day cruise trip. I even had my principal’s blessing to miss school that long. But, I wouldn’t let myself. Now, I would give ANYTHING to be sitting on the deck of a ship just talking to her. I really messed up on that one.
Now, I need to move on to the things I am taking for granted now. Who am I not spending enough time with? Who should I be talking to on the phone more. Hell… with cell phones, we don’t even pay for long distance anymore. Why haven’t I been to visit my sister? We haven’t seen each other since Daddy died. Now, a pandemic is here keeping me from traveling. Will there be future trips to visit her? Have I already missed the window of opportunity there.
Okay… enough is enough. I got it out of my system. I should probably hit delete.